SECTIONS:  [28-Oct-2003] [11-Nov-2003] [21-Dec-2003] [6-Feb-2004] [8-May-2004] [4-Jun-2004] [10-Sep-2004] [11-Jan-2005] [14-Jan-2005] [28-Jun-2005]

28-Oct-2003 - I've just about run out of money. I can't afford the insulin and other medication for my Type 2 Diabetes, I can't afford to keep my car on the road, I don't answer the phone because it's almost always creditors quite rightly wanting me to pay what I owe them and I can't pay the rent for the lot that my mobile home is on or to make the payment for its mortgage for November 2003. So I'm going to lose my mobile home sometime soon and before that happens I expect that the utilities will start being shut off one by one. I have this horrible image in my mind of being cold, in the dark, unable to travel and incommunicado. I'm not sure where I'll be living after I leave here but I hope I don't wind up in a shelter or in some state-run psych hospital hell hole.

I've called social services and all they've done is provide me with long lists of places to visit or call. Considering I can't even make it to the other end of the trailer to get to the computer some days, this just isn't practical. I understand that they want me to help myself, but I so seldom have good days where I can function like that anymore. Plus, it's hard to get anywhere. My car was supposed to be inspected in April 2003, my auto insurance has lapsed and after November 15, 2003 I can get ticketed for not having a current county auto property tax decal. When I've had the money (and the ability), I've been sneaking the mile drive to the grocery store and the longer drive to see my shrink, but I'm tempting fate by being visible with my car much.

My psychiatrist has been really great. He's been seeing me for free and providing me with medication from the samples he gets from pharmaceutical reps. I don't know how long he'll keep doing this, but I've got to give him credit for doing this. He's a good guy, and if I have to go the community mental health route, I'll be really sorry to say goodbye.

My Mom has graciously offered to pay for this website for the time being, though, so it won't go away (thanks, Mom). I've put a lot of work into this site, and I learned a lot, especially since I lost my job. I'd hate to see it go.

They say that 80 to 90% of those treated with medication and/or psychotherapy for MDD will get better. I don't know what my life would be like without the medications, because I have been taking them for so long, but the effect seems to be minimal. I don't know if I'm among the 10 to 20% that aren't helped, but most days I sure feel like it.

Anyway, if you have any influence over the Universe, God, Karma, whatever, I'd sure appreciate your using it on my behalf.

11-Nov-2003 - Well, the county Mobile Crisis Unit, a psychiatrist and a social worker came by last Friday to talk to me about my psych problems and all the other problems I'm dealing with. My sister-in-law (bless her) got them to come out for me. They also saw how I've been living. I've been too depressed to take very good care of myself or the place where I live. They asked if I wanted to go into the hospital and I said no and then they told me about Crisis House. I can go there and stay for about two to three weeks. It's primarily a psych place, but they said that they'll help me with getting the paperwork going for Medicaid, food stamps, disability and all of that other stuff. They'll also find me a place to stay, since by the time I get out of there, this trailer will no longer belong to me. They also said that they'd help me get meds for my diabetes and some help for my bad back.

They have only eight patients/clients/whatever at a time and four counselors on duty in both the day and evening shifts, so everyone should be able to get the attention they need. I hope I can speak up, and as usual, I'm worried about any group therapy. Some people have said they thought that I felt I was somehow "above" group therapy or was hanging back and listening to other people's stories and not sharing mine, which I have to admit is kind of uneven. But the plain truth is that I'm just scared to speak up and my words all desert me.

Last Saturday, my brother and my mother came out to help me get started with the packing so they can put it in storage. I'm not taking anything big except for my bed. I can always get furniture if I ever get another place. We mostly just concentrated on my books and my CDs and my guitars and musical equipment. They'll come down this next Saturday and get everything else and my car.

I'm scared, though. I don't know what's going to happen to me and if I'll have the strength to do the things that need to be done to keep going. If my depression and anxiety don't get better than they have been, then it'll be hard.

21-Dec-2003 - Well, I spent about a week at the psych ward, and about another week at the Crisis House. Both were really good for me, especially the house, and I wish I could have stayed longer. Now I'm at a shelter in Reston, Virginia. I've been here about 2-1/2 weeks. I've gotten hooked up with low-cost medical care at the county-run clinic, free meds for my diabetes and I should be getting hooked up with psych care this week or the next (unfortunately, I had to give up my old psychiatrist though). They also took me off the Klonopin (right...I have running anxiety attacks, so they take me off the anti-anxiety med...go figure) and I've been having withdrawal symptoms from quitting it. They were really bad yesterday, but I'm feeling better today.

The shelter was really scary at first, but I'm getting used to it more with the passage of each day. We sleep 5-6 to a room in bunk beds and cots (I have the bottom of a bunk bed). I get three meals a day and snacks and they have a TV room with a VCR where we (mostly) watch videos. I also have access to computers here, so I was able to update this from the shelter. Right now all I do is sit around and read all day, but once I get into the day treatment program (pretty much all-day group therapy) I'll have my days pretty well booked up (thank God!). I have rediscovered one thing though. I still hate rap music. I'm now officially an old fuddy-duddy who would rather hear something by the musicians on my "About Me" page. I didn't even have a Walkman to bring here, but I've been grovelling for one from my family, so I hope to get lucky. That's all until my next installment. Merry Christmas, everyone!

6-Feb-2004 - I'm still at the shelter. I've been here for about two months now. I work on my website and do 'Net research for some of the other folks here. I also read a lot and listen to music, both here and at the library, on my off hours. I'm in the Adult Partial Hospitalization (APH) Program during the week from 9:15 AM to 2:15 PM (we have Wednesdays off). Mostly APH is different kinds of group therapy in about four sessions during the day. It's been pretty good for me so far. I thought that I'd have problems with talking up in groups, but I've had little to no problem with that. Somehow, I feel like I belong. I've been going there for about a month. I've gotten food stamps (a misnomer now since it's actually a card, like a credit or debit card). My application is also pending for Medicaid and General Relief ($70 a month while I'm at the shelter, and $220 a month after I leave).

I also feel like I belong at the shelter, too. I've gotten fairly good at riding buses, and I like almost all of the people I've met here. It's a very diverse bunch that I probably wouldn't have met if it hadn't been for being homeless. I've learned something from everyone I've met. I have friends here, too, that I'd like to keep after I leave here. I hope that'll be possible.

The APH has submitted my name for the apartment program. I expect I'll have to wait four to five months before my name gets to the top of the list. What I'm hoping is that I'll be out of the shelter and into an apartment by my 53rd birthday. I'll be sharing with one or two other folks, but I'll have a room of my own (!!) and a place to put my computer and guitars and etc. I probably won't be able to get everything out of storage, but at least a few things. It's transitional housing, maybe one to two years, but it'll do while I find out if I can go back to work doing something, or if I'll have to get disability.

I've got a few things that keep/will keep me busy. I attend twice monthly meetings for the Depression and Related Affective Disorders Association, attend once weekly Buddhist meditation sessions and I'm looking for a place to learn and practice Tai Chi. I also may have a fairly good chance of making some money on the side building websites, tutoring people on computers and the Internet. I also have found some people who play guitar, so hopefully we'll be able to get together, too. Things are all coming together, and I'm grateful for all of these "safety nets" that have helped me since I became homeless.

8-May-2004 - My days are all filled with things to do that bring me satisfaction, as well as time to just be. On weekdays (except Wednesdays), I'm still in the Adult Day Treatment Program (ADT), which takes care of my mental health. On Sunday mornings I go to a Quaker meeting in Herndon. Sunday evenings I go to a Buddhist meditation group in Falls Church that is affiliated with the Insight Meditation Community of Washington.

Weeknights I go over to the library and meditate for at least a half-hour, as well as just chill, do research and read. On Wednesdays, I go to a part-time volunteer job with the National Wildlife Federation in Reston. I'm doing administrative support for the Backyard Wildlife Habitat program, but I may be able to get in some computer related and small programming work as well. This is a good opportunity for me to see if any work will make me as anxious as my last job did.

I also go to one or two meetings of Overeaters Anonymous every week and I walk every day. At the end of June, I'll start a ten week class in Tai Chi, an exercise form that I've wanted to do since I was a teenager (along with getting a tattoo and riding a motorcycle).

I have my guitar with me at the shelter. My friend Steve and I play sometimes in the evenings.

I have made many friends at the shelter and at ADT. I'm hoping that my new-found people skills are good enough to help me to stay friends with all of the wonderful people that I've met since I became homeless. Strangely enough, this experience has been a real blessing to me. I have had to let a lot of things go out of my hands, but that is only so that they might be filled with other things.

4-Jun-2004 - I moved out of the shelter on May 27th into an apartment in Alexandria at the south end of Fairfax County.

I'm ambivalent about it. I'm glad (mostly) to be getting out of the shelter, even though it's been a good experience for me, but I am sad to be leaving behind the activities and friends that I had/have in the north end of the county. I just have to hope that, like I had to be "emptied" before of my job, home and "stuff" in order to receive the great blessings that have come my way, I'm being emptied again for unknown blessings yet to come.

The volunteer job at NWF would take me two hours each way to get to, so I need to find another one, especially since the apartment program I'm with (Transitional Therapeutic Apartment Program, or TTAP) requires that I have at least 25 hours of activities every week. I've tried at the library and a workforce development organization, but so far none sings to me the way NWF did. I also need to find another Buddhist meditation group (Sangha) to sit (meditate) with. There's a group of environmentally active folks who follow the teachings who sit in the City of Alexandria that sounds like it might be good.

I've got a therapist (new) and a life skills counselor (also new) and I won't be starting at the Mount Vernon day treatment program as I once thought; all psychotherapy will be individual now. I'm looking for a NAMI or a DRADA support group so that I can indulge my new-found lust to run off at the mouth. I at least have the continuity of being with the same county mental health group. I'll also be seeing the same shrink; the same one that I had in Reston works down here three days out of the week. I'm happy about that. He's good. Right now we're trying to get me off of all psych medications, since they never really did much for me anyway. Then we'll take it from there.

I've lived in this area before. I'm about 4-5 blocks away from where ex-wife #2 and the kids and I lived when she finally up and left. The area is not nearly so nice as Reston...more concrete and asphalt than trees, more strip malls than fairly well-designed community shopping centers. There was an esthetic reason why I didn't want to come down here as well as losing so much of what I worked so hard for over the last six months. Oh, well...

I have a roomie. I met him after being here in (luxurious) solitude for two days. He seems like a good, quiet and smart guy and I think that we'll get along fine

I went to the nearby Quaker meeting last Sunday and I really enjoyed it. People came up and introduced themselves to me, gave me information about the meeting, invited me to stay for lunch and then gave me a ride home. I really like it there!

A problem that I've been having is one of discipline. Much of the structure that was imposed on me has slipped away, so it's up to me to find meals, get to bed at a reasonable time, not spend too much time on the computer and other things. I've even seen some signs of incipient isolating. It's been a problem I'll address this weekend when I come up with my own structure.

Enough for now...

10-Sep-2004 - First, our telephone service here at the apartment has (finally!) been restored. Two weeks…I was having withdrawals! For all of you folks who have called or emailed, I'll be getting back to you soon. I'm sorry for the delay.

It's been interesting trying to live on my public benefits. Last month I tried to live on my own resources instead of mooching off of friends, and last month I almost made it. I finally had to shutdown for lack of cash during the last week, though. Maybe it'll be an incentive to help me walk through my fear of becoming self-supporting again. In the process, though, I have the gifts of reducing needs and simplifying life. Things I thought that I just had to have don't seem as important. Life often boils down to having enough bus money to get out to activities and people, having enough to eat and, well, paying my Internet Service Provider. It is very unpleasant to have "Too much month at the end of the money."

With the phone out, I've been feeling terribly disconnected from my friends and family. I used up almost all of the prepaid minutes on my cell phone, so I couldn't use that either.

You can read about my health here if you're so inclined. My blood sugars have been better now that I'm a (more-or-less) vegan, but I'm still plagued by binge eating, even if it is sans meat, dairy and eggs. I often wonder what deep need I'm trying to satisfy in the wrong way.

Last month I had a exceptionally bad skin (yeast) infection. It was messy, debilitating, isolating and extremely painful. It hurt so badly that I was prescribed a narcotic called Vicodin. I had a great deal of trouble with the doctor I not-so-affectionately referred to as "Medicaid Quack." I have been continually surprised by people since last November. I expected that I would be treated poorly by people because of my status in life. This has proved, overwhelmingly, to not be the case, but there are exceptions. Medicaid Quack was one of the few. I am very grateful to two Friends who were very helpful in helping me to get to appointments and filling prescriptions and other matters during this time. A Friend referred me to her physician, who is absolutely wonderful, much closer and very competent and helpful. He fixed the infection right up and got me lined up for a bucketload of tests that I'm just getting around to scheduling now (why am I so enthused, one's a colonoscopy?). I feel very fortunate to have good medical care when so many people here in the U.S. (why?) and elsewhere have little or none.

I've been doing a couple of volunteer jobs at United Community Ministries for several months. I was an assistant instructor for classes learning Microsoft Office, but it aggravated my sciatica and after the skin infection I didn't go back. I've also been designing a volunteer database for the volunteer coordinator, who has been tracking volunteer data and developing reports using M$ Excel, a solution that reportedly gives her a headache (and pains in other places?) every month. I haven't been as reliable as I would have liked, but I will get it done for her, most likely during September. There's not much left but reports.

I'm still going to the Alexandria Monthly Meeting of The Religious Society of Friends, or Quakers. I enjoy going there and really look forward to it every week, meeting new people and learning from them. Going to the Meeting seems to open up my heart every week, and not yet having recovered from the move down here, I spend the rest of the week with my heart slowly closing. How do I find a way to keep my heart open and be present to every moment, either in darkness or light, that is offered to me. To paraphrase Rilke in Letters to a Young Poet, I will live the questions now. Perhaps someday I will live into the answers.

Part of living the questions may be joining the mid-September advent of spiritual formation groups, small (4-6?) groups of people from the Meeting who get together to share their spiritual development with a common meal, shared reading and discussion. I'm really looking forward to this, and I'm trying not to have too many expectations, but I hope to deepen my relationship, both with God and with others, nonetheless. It could be great fun and a good way to make friends as well. Also, I really, really miss meditating with a group and I have lost any pretensions of enough discipline to meditate on my own. I've found a group of engaged Buddhists called the Earth Sangha whose teacher has a Zen lineage. They meet on Wednesdays in Old Town Alexandria and I plan to go next week. I believe that it'll do me a world of good to sit (meditate) again and that may be another part of the living the questions. Returning again and again to the present moment, which is all we really have…

I'm hoping that, with time (I will be patient…tap, tap, tap of the foot), I'll find more friends here that mean as much to me (and I to them?) as the folks I knew in my "previous life", and from day treatment and the shelter. It'll be nice having folks down here to hang out with (maybe another guitarist?), especially now that I have come to believe that I have something worthwhile to share.

My mood hasn't been real good since I got down here three months ago. I've had a hard time finding my "place" here, and I'm still not there yet. Yet I have to believe that what comes to me, again, either in darkness or light, are the lessons that I most need to learn to help me on the Way. But sometimes when I focus on doing something about feeling disconnected, I'll get sick, or run out of money, and those frequently cause isolation and depression that not only doesn't help things get better, but frequently makes them worse. Sisyphus, anyone…? ("psst, hey buddy…ya wanna push this rock for a while?")

My therapist is OK, but I'm having a hard time warming up to her. There's someone called, I think, a life skills counselor, who I get a lot more useful help from. She's really cool and I think we've got a decent rapport. I really like my shrink. He's the same one I had in the day treatment program in Reston. I haven't seen him for a couple of months due to illness and I think I could use some medication tweaking right now. I'm sleeping very poorly, maybe getting, at the most, four hours a night. I can neither get to nor stay asleep.

My "keepers", also known as the psych folks in my life, believe that I should get back to work, slowly, while they're there to support me. The very thought of having to be self-supporting again fills me with terror because of the four or five years I spent in more-or-less constant anxiety (far too mild a word for what I experienced) that drove me to suicidality. But I think that I should try it, too, though perhaps I won't need to run after money and "stuff" so much as the way I used to and thus have my choices broadened accordingly. I never again want to do another job where I don't understand, value and believe in what I'm working towards. Soulless corporations, especially defense contractors, are probably out for good (God be thanked!). I'd like the perfect job, but since that doesn't exist, I guess I'll just have to find the job that makes the best joyful use of my gifts and teaches me the lessons I need to learn.

I heard that employees of my old company, CACI, were implicated in the Abu Ghraib torture scandals. How frightening and very sad. And how is it that a country would export prison administrators, discredited for abuse, to another country, and then wonder why they are perceived as arrogant and despised?

I've been very emotional lately. Frequently things will touch me in some way and I will tear up and often begin to cry. Books, memories, poetry, music, a thought…many things have been a trigger. I don't think it's depression, though. During episodes I'm mostly just very flat or, when it's really bad, I feel absolutely nothing at all. I rather like being emotional like this, having these kinds of feelings, being open in these ways to the ups and downs of life, even in the kind of darkness that I'm living through now. Sometimes I've even been feeling like I need to write poetry again. Even if it is depression, it's not entirely a bad thing. It's sort of like the following quote, but I could be delusional. ;-)

"An enchanted life has many moments when the heart is overwhelmed with beauty and the imagination is electrified by some haunting quality in the world or by a spirit or voice speaking from deep within a thing, a place, or a person. Enchantment may be a state of rapture and ecstasy in which the soul comes to the foreground, and the literal concerns of survival and daily preoccupation at least momentarily fade into the background." - Thomas Moore from The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life

I've been playing guitar quite a bit, mostly electric, but I'm also trying, rather fruitlessly so far, to teach myself to play blues/rock slide guitar on the acoustic, sort of in the style of Bonnie Raitt. I think I could use a teacher, at least to get me started. There's a lot more to it than just sliding a bar on the strings.

I've started a program with the Psychiatric Rehabilitative Service. I'm not really too thrilled about it. They have job training that I could (mostly) be teaching (e.g.-basic computer skills, etc). I'll go, but I think that next semester I'll take some classes at Northern Virginia Community College instead. Maybe philosophy or psychology or sociology or some other -ology that might someday fascinate me. I'd also like to take a class in note taking and study skills so I might get through the college-level courses with less effort than in the past. I never really learned those techniques in school.

Well, that's (more than?) enough. Take care…

11-Jan-2005 - It's been so long since I wrote one of these personal updates that I had to look back on my calendar to see what's happened since September 10th.

I've moved! The apartment program I'm in was downsized by two beds and the old apartment contained both of them. We moved around the end of October. I was thoroughly prepared to hate the new place, but it was a good move…more convenient to stores, more bus routes, NO ROACHES, better maintained and with less crime (I've seen no drug deals in these parking lots so far). The kitchen is bigger, but with less cabinet space. There's a formerly crusted and partially rusted stove that I scraped clean with SOS pads, a knife and a knowledge of invective that might startle some of you. My bedroom is smaller, but I actually prefer that. The old room was almost the same size as the room at the shelter that I shared with 3-5 other guys and it just felt too big.

Did I mention no roaches? :-D

My roomie and I barely speak to each other. We're like two grouchy silverback gorillas trying to pretend the other doesn't exist. Trying to talk out our problems in apartment meetings (with both of our therapists present) didn't resolve any issues and made relations worse, so I haven't brought up any of the subsequent issues. I do believe that life keeps sending us the lessons we need to learn, and that trying to avoid them (as I've been doing) only insures that they will pop up again in some other time or place.

I was approved for SSDI (Social Security Disability Income). This increases my income by a factor of over 4.5! It's still below poverty level, but it's a sight better than before. Living in a low-cost (30% of income) apartment program, I actually have a bit of "disposable" income to start a savings account, begin to repay some of my creditors and buy a few luxuries like clothes and more fruit and veggies. I even went to see a movie: Finding Neverland with Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet and Julie Christie. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it highly. If you're an emotional person, I recommend you take something bigger than a hanky. I could've used a beach towel myself. It's a truly lovely movie.

But I digress. As a consequence of receiving SSDI, I've lost both my health insurance coverage through Medicaid and my food stamps. Losing food stamps isn't really a problem (have you ever tried eating for a month on $130?) but, though my psychiatric treatment and meds are covered by Fairfax County, other medical costs are not. I'll be eligible for Medicare in two years, but until then I'm not sure how I'll get medical treatment. There's a possibility I may be able to enroll in Fairfax County's South County Clinic, especially since I have diabetes and hypertension. I received care from the North County Clinic when I was at the shelter in Reston and was pleasantly surprised by how good it was. My only regret is that I must give up my current primary care doctor, one of the finest physicians that I have ever known and for whom each patient is far more than numbers on a chart and a five-minutes-or-less blur of face and symptoms.

Most of my current medical problems are the result of obesity. Losing weight would reduce the impact of diabetes, hypertension, lower back and foot pain, and sleep apnea. Though a vegan, I am still gaining weight. Even on food stamps with $130 a month I gained weight! I don't know how to stop eating. It's life-threatening and, though I no longer hope to die, I am still hastening my demise.

I've had a lot of medical tests and procedures done lately:

If you are concerned about my health care, I will be signing the waiting list for the South County Clinic during this next week. I might be "bumped up" on the enrollment list due to diabetes and I will then find out how they plan to address my medical issues. But my health care problems are no different from the other 41,000,000 people in this country (some of you amongst them) who have no health coverage. Please think about how we all might be helped.

Solely due to the bad influence of my youngest daughter Jessica, who delights in me describing her as "…sharp of both mind and tongue," I have been watching a bit more TV than usual. Actually, she just got me interested in Lost. I was already a dedicated watcher of Gilmore Girls and Joan of Arcadia, but I've watched some Stargate Atlantis and the very disappointing treatment of Ursula Le Guin's Earthsea books. Jessica sent me a copy of Peacekeeper Wars with the cast and "universe" of the SciFi Channel's old Farscape show. I've got my VCR here now (and soon a DVD player) so I can watch some movies, but I only have The Matrix and Don Juan DeMarco on VHS and nary a DVD at all. So, if you're in a position to loan me movies, I promise that if you do I'll take good care of them and return them when you say (Not-So-Subtle-Hint: I have yet to see the last two Lord of the Ring movies).

I am fully prepared to grovel abjectly if necessary. ;-)

I'm still active with the Quaker Meeting. I look forward to Sundays (aka First Days) for Adult Religious Education, Meeting for Worship, the gustatory and social delights of lunch (also referred to as the Meeting for Eating), meetings of the committees I regularly go to and the monthly business meetings (properly called Meeting for Worship with a Concern for Business). Quakers have a very special and worshipful way of doing nearly everything, including business and decision-making. I have made several good friends there and have begun to feel like a real part of this very special faith community. I was there for the Christmas Eve vigil and for the potluck lunch on New Year's Day. My holidays would have been much less pleasant without them. I am very grateful to have found these people and to have found more of myself among them. I have surprised myself at least once or twice by telling people that I'm a Quaker.

I've also been meeting with my spiritual formation group since September. This has been a wonderful opportunity to get to know the other four folks in my group better and to share and deepen our spiritual journeys. We usually meet twice monthly, though that has been disrupted by the holidays. We've been studying and reflecting on Listening Spirituality, Volume 1: Personal Spiritual Practices Among Friends by Patricia Loring.

My Buddhist practice has gone to the dogs (note: expect to be assailed by dog lovers). The practice of Buddhism was a valuable part of my life before I came to Alexandria and much of the philosophy and psychology of Buddhism has been helped me to constructively frame both how I view the world and how and when to act in it. I hope to find somewhere to practice soon.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Mom's side of the family. Mom and Laron and my brother and sister and most of their families were there. We went to an Old Country Buffet outside of Baltimore. I was worried about finding something a vegan could eat and was a bit discouraged until Mom told me there were taco shells and the other makings. I made a taco salad and was quite happy with my meal and especially delighted to be with family.

I am not happy with how the Presidential election went. 'Nuff said.

I am still going to UCM (United Community Ministries) as a volunteer and I'm nearly finished with the volunteer database I begun back in July and that I said would only take a month or two. Beware of computer geeks making time estimates. There may be other things for me to do there soon. I'm hoping for that so I can get out of going to PRS (Psychiatric Rehabilitative Service), at least for some of the two days a week I'm required to go there now. The members (consumers) there are generally at a much different place in their recovery from mental illness than I am. I am more interested in getting training in PHP and MySQL (respectively, a language for website development and the database system most frequently used with it), expanding my writing skills and going to school, not necessarily for a degree but just because I want to learn "stuff." These are things that I have to find a way to do myself. PRS can't help me.

I've recently acquired a domain name for my website: http://www.journeys.ws/ (the .ws extension is for website). I've also changed the "look" recently and, as part of the process of learning new skills, I'll be rewriting it soon using the PHP and MySQL mentioned above.

The winter has often been a time when my mood declines and I find it more difficult to do things. I can't seem to get up early in the morning and sometimes I find that I am cocooned in grayness and that all of my possibilities have vanished. But it passes and it's not yet so bad that I've "petitioned" my shrink for an antidepressant. That might flatten out the full range of emotions that I have learned so much from. But 2004 was the first year in five that I haven't been psychiatrically hospitalized and it's been over a year since I was suicidal. That's great progress.

I envision a future when I am working again for an organization that means something to me. I'll be doing something challenging that I look forward to when I rise in the morning and I'll take pleasure in doing it well. And there are people around in the evenings to just be with, who're not always running to someplace (anyplace?) else. People to make music with, dine with, people to love and be loved by. Books. Music. Art. A life of simplicity, love, laughter, beauty. Magic. Some of this I am blessed to have already.

But I also seek the ever-present awareness of the presence of God and to be, with so many others, his hands and feet, his eyes and perhaps a bit of his heart.

Blessings to you all!

14-Jan-2005 - Just a brief note. I finally did ask my shrink for an antidepressant. I started taking Effexor (again) today.

28-Jun-2005 - Well, the last few months have certainly been busy enough. During January I got quite a surprise. I got a lump-sum payment disability benefits retroactive to the onset of the disability. I expected a couple of thousand. It turned out to be a LOT more!! I almost went into shock! But it was great to pay off almost all my creditors. I could only keep a certain amount in savings to maintain disability, so there was a lot of "mandated" spending and I was able to get a few things. It was fun being temporarily affluent.

During February and March things shifted between good and bad with blinding speed. In April, I had a psychiatric episode so bad that I wanted to die. I now have friends who anchor me to the world, so at least I didn't attempt suicide this time. I told people I was ashamed because I wasn't perfect. Most laugh, seeing the absurdity. But I was serious. That's why it's called mental illness. But I especially felt that if I couldn't love perfectly, then my attempts at loving anyone were without any value. I've finally come to believe that only God can love perfectly and that human love is imperfect. And that even wanting to be loving gives God another avenue into this world, and that seems to me to be of great value.

I was in the psychiatric unit of a local hospital for about 1-1/2 weeks and then at Crisis Care (a wonderful intermediate step between hospital and home) for about the same time. While I was at Crisis Care my sciatica (the sciatic nerve gets pinched in my back and then pain radiates down my buttocks and thighs; more below) started to act up and my legs hurt very badly when I stood, walked or even moved the wrong way.

After I got out of the hospital I had to change to a new psychiatrist. I'll miss the old one. He was technically knowledgeable, had a good sense of humor and we had a mutual respect. But the new one seems to be OK, too, so I'm not as upset about switching as I was. Also, there's been only one minor change to my old medication regimen and I'm happy about that.

When I went to the county health clinic over a month ago I was in great pain from the sciatica. It was the worst non-surgical physical pain I could remember at the time. Also, at the clinic that day, the doctor would only address my excruciating pain by prescribing a pain-killer slightly stronger than Aleve. I wasn't necessarily after more powerful painkillers, but I did want to develop some strategy for making the pain stop. It was very discouraging. On July 1st my Medicare kicks in, so I'll be going back to the same doctor I had before I lost Medicaid.

Some folks, mainly from the Quaker meeting, have been doing errands for me: getting groceries, picking up packages, helping with laundry, etc. It's a humbling experience. I've never been good at asking for help, but I have little choice now. It's wonderful and frightening at the same time. Sometimes I fear that I'll grow too dependent on people helping me. That hasn't happened. Yet. But I do get very frustrated with having to continually ask for help. Need and a kind of shame are constantly battling. I want to get better just so I can give all my helpers a break!

I plan to go back to my volunteer job soon, if I can find a ride. I'm not yet well enough that I could catch the bus to and from there. And, though I'm able to do some things, like shopping (with help) and laundry, the pain is such that I stay in most of the time. DVDs are a welcome addition to my repertoire of activities, joining 'Net surfing, web design, reading (though my concentration has been bad lately), listening to music and playing guitar. In addition, a friend loaned me a loom, and I've been learning to weave! Perfectionism is a heavy weight I've lugged around most of my life, but I take great pride in the fact that I'm a gloriously inept weaver! So far. I'm having great fun with it!

I went to a concert several weeks ago. I'd bought tickets to see Alison Krauss and Union Station before my legs went blooey, and a friend borrowed a car and we saw a wonderful concert with some consummate musicians. My legs were in "crummy mode" that day, so getting to the seat was pretty painful. The fear of getting back to the car was spoiling my pleasure until I remembered another friend telling me not to let the fear ruin this for me. I was able to put my fears behind me and focus again on the great show. One thing I did discover about Ms. Krauss is that, in addition to having a voice like an angel, being a good fiddler and being very pretty: she's very funny!

On June 16th, I called 911 because of an excruciating pain in my left thigh that left me unable to take care of myself. The sciatic pain, which had pre-existed since late April, had been getting progressively worse since the previous Sunday and I just couldn't bear the pain anymore. It was the worst pain I've ever felt. The EMT teams arrived and carried me down the stairs and took me to Mount Vernon Hospital where, after getting a shot of painkiller and some x-rays, I waited in the Emergency Room until I was admitted and taken to a regular bed that afternoon.

Sciatica is a kind of "umbrella" term for an inflammation of the sciatic nerve that has many causes and can manifest in lots of ways. The sciatic nerve, which can be as thick as your pinky, starts at about the middle of the lower back, branches at about the pelvis and then extends all the way to the bottom of the legs. My particularly "brand" of sciatica involves the root of the sciatic nerve being pinched at the site of some disc herniation (spinal "slippage") between the lumbar three and four vertebrae. I don't feel any direct back pain per se, but over the downward route of the nerve, I feel pain in my buttocks and the pain radiating into my left thigh frequently seems to burn excruciatingly. The pain radiates along the outer, front and occasionally in the inner thigh and stops before it reaches the knees.

On June 22nd, I was taken downstairs at the hospital for an epidural steroid injection. During the procedure, steroids were injected into the spinal spaces near lumbar three and four. This was done to reduce the inflammation and ease the pain. When I awoke on Thursday the pain was much reduced, but not as much as I would have liked. But I'm happy with what I could get.

On Friday, June 24th, I was home by 2:00 PM. My legs are extremely weak after a week of down time and I nearly fell trying to climb the three flights of stairs to my apartment. But I made it!

I'm now more-or-less housebound until I can reduce the pain and the legs again become strong enough to enable me to safely negotiate the stairs. I have to use a walker to get around now. Some days are good and some are bad and some are so horrid that I can barely move. There doesn't seem to be any reason for the changes.

For over a year now, I've felt led to find a place where I can live and work with others. It's too easy for me to isolate, and I've discovered that I have much better people skills than I'd ever imagined as well as finding that I can only remember who I am in community, in relation to other people. I think it may be hard to find such a place, especially with my only income from disability, but I believe that communal living is how I'm meant to live. So I'll keep on looking!

I have a lot of problems and I'm often in despair and/or frustrated with my life. Some of these problems are greater than problems that others may face; some are lesser. But on reflection I can see that my whole life culminates in each moment, and I believe that each one of these moments takes me inexorably closer to revealing my true self. Sometimes I feel like my troubles may be my best and most faithful teachers! They will keep bringing me the lessons I most need to learn until I finally learn them. School's not out yet. Isn't THAT reassuring?


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